impermanence.

everything seems so impermanent.

even this body is slowly dying...

we all are...

we're all terminal.

i am not contracting - but i'm not expanding either

i need to discover a new culture - explore another part of the world.

the smoke of my soul is wafting out from me and away to a land i've never seen before.

it's mixing with smells i've yet to know and dancing with people who laugh and sing in a language unfamiliar to my ears...

my heart is aching, heaving, yelling across the earth... i want to be taken away. forever.

to dance upon the ruins i've seen in my dreams for all my life...

to look out across the sea towards an island i drew as a child...

to hold a child in my arms that i've never met and can only communicate with through the love melting from my eyes.

i am aching.

these reigns that hold me back are but my own. woven together with threads of my own fear.

but i feel the moment coming... creeping... dawning... when i will throw these ropes to the ground and soar away into the sun.

and my death will slow down... and my spirit light will expand... and i will know the love of my OWN heart.

and i will be free.

and this impermanence will at least have a purpose for a moment or two.

on a good day

Life is so good.

I remember about 8 months ago thinking this very thought.
I was driving.
And I can see the very intersection I was at.
I can feel what the sunlight felt like as it kissed my shoulders
And I can taste the sweetness of my life in that moment.
It was seamless
Easy
Smooth
Effortless
And beautiful
Every element of my existence had fallen into place in a perfect pattern. Each puzzle piece fitting exactly where it was supposed to...
And it was... At least on that day.

And I think I knew in that moment of bliss that it would never stay the same.
That it would never just maintain this harmonious chord.
The echo would die out and a new chord was to be struck.

And the new chord was dissonant and jarring and threw my very life as I knew it into a spiraling tornado

And then I found myself lying in the dust with arms outstretched
And I let raindrops kiss my lips
As swirling white spirit danced above me...
A drum beat pulsated through my blood stream

And my soul rattled.
Shaking free the parts of me which had died but remained within my shell

I died
And was reborn
I was the phoenix.

Tears rolled down my cheeks and turned the angelic dust to dark salty mud where they fell

This physical illustration of the same transformation within us when we cry and feel sadness.

Moving from the light and ethereal to the thick and dark

And all that I knew and felt on that blissful sunny drive through venice was no longer.

And somehow, perhaps for the first time ever, I felt liberation from the loss.

I feel a depth to my lungs and a freedom through my heart

And I know that the collapse and the destruction of the smooth platform that held me has only created a blank playa-esque canvas for me to build a new self.

And every moment of this creation and re-construction of myself is beautiful.

And life is so good.

... ... ...

...flirting with insanity
... ... leading to catastrophe
... ... ... opening the door
... ... ... ... and finding just ten thousand more.

silent screams

...my tears were crimson red
i tried to bleed you out of me
...i tried to breathe myself away from the moment we just had and said we'd never have

...in my mind I clawed at your face
and ripped the hair from my scalp
...but in reality, I just sat in the numbness
palms open to the partially hidden sun...

and my shallow stuttering breath shook my lips
...and I used all the strength I didn't have for my knees not to buckle

intentions for the aries new moon

I am releasing this garbage by letting go...
And stepping back...
And taking a breath...
And re-booting...
I am taking two steps back to see the broader, bigger picture...
The sweeping playa landscape of life...
And allowing my truth (trut) to be revealed without expectation...
Or judgement...
And I'm listening to my heart...
And not planning for peace or ease or a peaceful effortless flowing life to be handed to me...
But rather finding peace in the mayhem...
Allowing my soul to be at ease with the turbulence...
And dancing with the earthquake...
Flowing with the movement of my life.
There is a song.
Its not the sweet, melodic, mellow song I wish it was, but I can't change the tempo...
I can't do a slow tango to hard core rock n roll...
So I must find the rhythm of my erratic heartbeat and love the song it sings...
And move my feet in time to what is happening....
And find peace of mind within myself...
Though it might not be peaceful around me...
Om Mani Padme Hum
(The jewel in the center of the lotus)
This lotus that grows from under the surface- in the shit- in the mud- in this chaos...
And flowers, delicately floating above the surface...
But even above ground, the outside conditions and circumstances can be brutal and harsh...
And the petals can wilt or be torn off in the storm...
But the jewel in the eye of the flower remains unmoving...
And sparkles through the haze.

Catharsis

The rain poured down... and so did my tears
The clouds came open and the air was cleaned.
And I kept hearing his song about finding his country- finding his home
And I couldn't lift my head from the dampened pillow I slept on in my catatonic state.
I spun out...
Emotionally and physically.
The wild one from days past emerged while my mind was elsewhere reflecting on the weight upon my shoulders
And then the rains came
And I couldn't stop fixating on air
That knowing voice inside of me would not stop prophecizing and urging me to push
And then I tried to leave and make her stop
And the vehicle I tried to use to run away wouldn't take me where I wanted to go
And it too spun out in the soaked side streets
And so I had to turn to the thing that numbs me
And mutes me
But when I woke up the clouds had parted in the sky and catharsis was around me.
But not yet within me
And I know its because I muted her voice
She wasn't done talking
The storm had been plugged
And still my own raindrops needed to fall
And so I fell.
I collapsed in my closet and felt to the depths of the storm...
And my heart is now saturated like the streets of last night
And I am waiting for the light to come and my own cleansed soul to shine through these clouds that shroud my spirit

blackwhiteblackwhiteblackwhite

my fiery heart seeks the eye of the needle in the haystack...
the eye that is
the portal to transform me
...from darkness in to light.

the yin yang symbol stamped upon my forehead...

i fear the black hole because it is the oldest friend i have.
i keep close this enemy,
this entity that stabs my skin...
cuts my flesh...
eats my light...
and watches me bleed.

it stands beyond my bedroom door cradling a knife in its hands...
... salivating at my fragility.

but the choice is mine.

i choose to expand.

only in a contracted state of fear can the darkness
enter
me

...so I stare at the sun til my eyes burn and water...
until
i am blind
and dots twinkle in my sight...

i reach my arms to the north and south
and stand at the edge of the ocean...
my open heart calling to the setting sun
to infuse me one last time before it rests.

...and i dream myself into grace

i create peace
...and harmonize with the wind
...and let my cheekbones soften.

i don't press up against my skin,
but soften inward towards the warm bassinet shrouded with silken sheets
where I rest
and am held
within my own soft honey colored light...

and the darkness is just a shadow of a palm tree out the window,
dancing on the pavement...
...waiting...
for the sun to go down...
for its chance to run across the earth and consume everything in its path.
to take us back to yang.

my reflection in a tidepool of days gone

SHE skipped through sprinklers and chewed on the ends of wild lemongrass...
SHE ran her fingers in the chilly sea water of the Carmel beach tide-pools and tickled the bellies of sea anemones to watch them wiggle away...
SHE drew on driftwood with pieces of charcoal left from big kid bonfires and scooped sand in her hand to watch it sift back down into the white speckled mountain SHE was inadvertently creating. ..
SHE dreamed of floating constantly and believed she was from another world all together...
SHE loved the scent of fresh cut grass and the taste of her grandfather's stew...
SHE would pirouette at low tide through the dampened sand as she hummed a soundtrack only SHE would ever hear but knew would change the world...
SHE stood on tippy toes in her purple jelly shoes to reach the almonds on her neighbor's tree...
And then SHE would run to the eucalyptus meadow to crouch among the lizards that were her friends and share her treat...
SHE would shudder with excitement when SHE opened the dress-up trunk, anticipating the creativity that would soon abound... and the story lines to her musicals would begin to bubble inside her...
SHE cupped her hands around roses and smelled them until they lost their smell and mournfully scooped up the dead and dying flowers that had fallen to the earth in her hands, taking them home to make perfume that SHE could wear to thank the flowers for their life...
SHE would climb on a roof any chance she got just to get the birdseye view and feel above it all for a moment in time...
And then one day SHE grew up...
Too fast.
And too hard.
And slowly turning a corner her bloodshot eyes fell upon an image of herself skipping through sprinklers and chewing on the ends of lemongrass...
And SHE knew SHE was gone.

oak tree ponderings

Have you ever wondered why oak trees grow the way they do?

The gnarled branches, perhaps, tell a story of the tree's life...

Each bend and curve- a moment in the past that moved them or scared them...
And only when the tree has grown out past that time, can we see the life map illustrated up the growth...
A reflection of the path worn on the face of the aging plant?

Maybe there is muscle memory in their bark and feelings flow through the sap, just as our emotions ride the tides of our veins...

And maybe sometimes it just becomes too much for the tree and its sap has to bleed...
The feelings must run out and escape from the pain it holds.
Is the sap their tears?

What would my tree look like?

Would my branches have grown up to the sky, reaching like hands feeling towards the divine during my times of expansive bliss I felt in the desert?

Would there be a knot every foot or so... To show the knot I felt in my core each time I spiraled into panic and anxiety and darkness?
Would my contracted fear be drawn as disease eating away the life of the tree in little holes and decay?

And what would this moment in time look like once it climbed up and was shown in a branch?

Would it be broken?

Would it bear any leaves at all?

Or would this moment in my life be sculpted in the gnarled oak tree as the base of many branches that are yet to grow?

But I suppose we can't ever see the present moment in a tree...

We must wait until it has grown past it and moved along in life to see the story unfolded... to recognize the bigger picture painted in the bark...

Goodbye.

You left.
The taste of your lips still lingering on mine...
The image of your swollen eyes burned in to my heart...

But the air is clear.
And its terrifying.

I've never breathed so deep before...
My lungs don't know how to take in so much.
My eyes don't know how to see this wide.
And I'm sadly, strangely, okay.

Your music will always be the soundtrack to my soul...
And your hands will always smooth my furrowed brow when I'm afraid.

The sun will always shine down upon us both, no matter how far we walk from one another...

We didn't run.
We slowly turned and glided apart and it was a slow burn...
But the last piece has died and fallen.

And now we can be at peace...
and hold a piece of each other as we walk alone.

I hold a single candle in my palm for you.

And always will.

Goodbye.

anahata orchids

there is ash upon my forehead.

here i sit within a cave inside my chest and i stare at the moon...

the walls of my heart, adorned with hanging crystals, glow white and shoot iridescent beams of light across my body.

and i am held here

purple orchids scatter the earth, growing in unorganized clumps...

I find myself leaning over a pool of still water to look back at myself in the reflection
...and I see you

I see my fears melt off my face as tears of truth
And feel your hands upon the back of my head, caressing me the way the sun did when it peeked in through my window this morning...
and you were standing there watching me bathed in early morning sunlight as i slept.

i close my eyes again and trace a line through the sand in my memory to see how
life
flew
ahead
of me
when i was still standing in the desert dust trying to see ...
...wiping my eyes clear

and once they could finally blink open, i saw that your sun had set and I was alone again...
standing upon the other end of the penninsula.

you kissed my heart and held my body in your arms...
we watched the waves crash under the whispers of clouds that hung in the morning light
... and you told me it was true.

and we've both known all along that our love was for another world.

but then why is it even breathing life right now?

why have you come into this cave?

why have you entered my heart and walked upon these purple orchids?

why can I feel you in my chest even when you are gone?

comfort junkie

im learning how to be okay.
im discovering how lonely independence is...
and seeing how deceiving lonliness can be.

i am a comfort junkie...

the ache... the longing and lonliness tricks me into thinking that i want to be with him...
but really its just that junkie inside of me seeking out something that i know will soothe me.

so i need to learn to be okay.
i need to learn to comfort myself and be my own companion...
i need to be my own fix.

because he is not the right partner for me.
the way he chooses to live his life does not parallel well with mine,
but he does fill a void
and comforts me

and then i choke and i start to sprial into fear and that voice starts screaming that i made the wrong choice...
but that is the voice of the junkie...
that is the woman on the other side of the wall with her muffled screams
that is my shadow...

the dark, letcherous, grasping, gripping side that wants to suck in and be satiated.
be appeased...
a hand to stroke my hair
a voice to re-tell the words that i already said
that i already know.

and so i must exhale out..
i must hold myself and surround my soul in light

and remember that i made a choice to expand...

i made a choice to walk alone and let the reigns fall to the earth.
no more sacrefices, no more burdens but my own.

and i am the tortoise... i can carry my own life on my back.

but sometimes i need to crawl inside and be alone and comfort myself from within the shell that surrounds me.

maybe some day i will find someone that counterparts me better then he did.
but i will never find anyone who can carry me better then i can.

to be free alone.
to be held by my own heart
to be home at last with me.

...grandaddy...

...my grandfather's pocket watch winds backwards.
... the hands tick towards times of past
as he take long sips of cabernet
...and deep raspy breaths.
... stories unfold like paintings carefully drawn on canvas in sepia tones.
...with chin in hands and eyes following his flickering words I listen and absorb.

... my heart follows his to an era of clarinets and hand written love notes.
... when there was time to dream and time to believe...
... when the horns of ships called out to broken hearts and the air was clear.
... in wondrous, captivating awe I sit across from this man who's love story brought life to mine.

... watching the dancing wrinkles on his face, each line, each crease shows itself to me as an earned badge of courage...
... my grandfather's face reminds me to be brave enough to walk through the dark.

... to know that my story will one day be told though already written in the stars,
as I follow this trail that is laid for me and lined in the same daisies that grew beside his path as he walked it.

...I hear his laughter billowing like the wind and brushing by my face, gently patting my cheek the way his healing hands did so many times as his pocket watch ticked away time.

dried up

lying in our bed...
i stare up with dry eyes...
at the ceiling that once hung above our intertwined bodies.

and it occurs to me that this is MY bed. not ours.

flipping through a book where i doodled of your name...
a folded love note flutters to the floor...
and all i see when i look to it...
is some ink on a creased sheet of paper...

where are my tears?

i could always find a sigh inside my chest when i buried my head in your dress shirts and breathed you in...

but now, either your essence has worn off on the shirts...
or you've just worn off me.

your touch has washed off my skin and my heart is calloused.

it seems i am desensitized...
where now, when i run my fingers across your guitar strings i can't even taste your music in the corners of my mouth...

that dead, lifeless thing thumping in my chest, used to soar and chirp and skip around in circles for you...

i never thought i could feel so little.

from behind closed eyelids
i see

i see time.
this crazy formula we made to measure THE ALL...
but in truth its just a game we made...
an imaginary perimeter...
a make believe boundary fence that we fear will buzz our shock collar's if we step outside the thin black line we've painted in the dust...

i see spirit.
the essence of THE ALL...
in 6.7 billion different flavors... but really all the same.
a white light glowing within each of these shells we wear
emanating through and creating a halo just beyond our skin.
our aura speaking the truth that i wear you and you wear me and our colors are the same, though our shells are not.

i see our planet.
a speck of sand in the cosmos that is THE ALL...
but from within this body, we view the world through this paradigm of duality consciousness seeing me as me and you as you...
when really guys?
the spirit that breathes that tree to life, breathes me.
the atoms that make that lily flower stand there are identical to the atoms that make my elbow that rests on a table that is made of the same atoms too.

we are all one.

we can see that we are all one from a scientific, squinting eyes, and furrowed brow, analytical place...
but the spirit?

the actual love that breathes us in to reality?

we can't see it, so we don't believe its there sometimes.

but THE ALL is THE ALL.

its love, its thoughts, its dreams, its the intangible flowing motion around us - cycling like the waves and the moon and the breath and the circle of life... its spinning like the double helix, like the pinwheels, like the aerial silks artists in cirque du soliel...

just close your eyes and look.

you'll see it too.

the tenacity of a renegade mind

where the back alleyways meet...

she weeps with disbelief and desire...

too many times the sad song was sung.

the resilience of this shell we've been told is so fragile...

a faceless capacity for harm that whispers deception...

but our capacity for love is endless... though, you'll never hear the demons in the dark tell you so.

did they ever find a cure for quicksand?

23 word poems

à la trut

•
23 word suicide poem

i
am
the
weeping
willow
that
i
tie
this
rope
upon

i
am
the
sun
that
rests
til
i'm
discovered
here
at
dawn

•

23 word unrequited love poem

my
love
spoke

though
i
denied
the
light
of
day

now
i
turn
towards
the
moon,

my
soul
mate
looks
the
other
way

•
23 word orgasm poem

two
shadows
undulate
on
the
wall
to
rhythmic
candle
flame
flickering
while
silent
screams
of
agonizing
bliss
are
tasted
my
eyes
roll
back

another call to unity

the selfsafe fuel that burns the sun in its infinite infero,
ignites the intensity you feel in me...

a furnace heat that sears words of truth into the skin of bison and brings sweet delirium to our minds...

the selfsafe breath that blows the wind in the hurricanes above and shakes the barley,
blows whispered breaths to my lips and hushes the cries of dreaming babes...

a moving air that rushes through the branches of weeping willows and stirs haunting wonder in minds...

the selfsafe oil beneath the earth's surface that cools the core and calms the vertigo we'd otherwise feel from this spiraling globe we stand upon,
runs our machines and our manmade dreams into this reality...

but it too dwells beneath our skin and smooths the grooves and scars and tool marks our maker left upon our bodies in his haste to create...

we are all of this sun, this wind, this oil...

and the beauty in the stars we gaze upon, is the same shining light our lover sees in the glint of our iris...
in the twinkling of our soul...

together we dance the fields of wheat and stir the clouds above...

our tears drop rain into the deepest part of the sea, and our lovesick hearts sing the song of the nightingale...

this...
we...
it....

is all one.

...come find me

.between brass doorknobs and salt water floors...
.is a lost land of love where my heart beats...
.there is no map to find this place- and the only guide is the amythest glow from your own third eye....
.breathe open the downy wings you were born with, but never realized you had....
.and glide across the jasmine scented night sky...
.soar above docked boats and sugar cane fields... cobblestone streets and cottages bathing in fog....
.fly yourself to a castle carved in the side of a lost mountain...
.and sit still in the flame of a candle...
.speak to me with your hands...
.and dance for me with your words...
.call my name across the stars and skip stones along the cosmos...
.and be my eyes for me...
.see me through shades of cinnamon as you melt your mind and follow the strand of sage smoke to the sand....
.and find me there...
.standing naked....
arms to my side...
.heart open to the wind...
.hair blowing in the sunlight...
.toes sinking in the lapping waves...
.i am yours.
.come find me.
.though you know not what I look like....
.you will know me by the raspberry trail in my right eye that mirrors yours...
.and the harmony our breath makes when we stand side by side...
.i am yours.
.come find me...

shades of sadness

we danced in the dark behind the sun
where we could not be seen

we walked hand in hand down deserted beaches
and made mosaic footprints in the sand

we breathed the ocean waves to life
and spun the planets round...

we fell in the dust, dizzy from spinning
and cried a hundred tears...

we grasped at air
and we silently sang
a song we didn't know

looking at each other through a piece of broken glass found underneath the pier...

we were in love...

it was a secret kind of love that no-one knew but us.

we fell through the clouds and landed on feathers

laughing as we dreamed our dream to life...

my heart melted into yours and then into the lake we sat in front of as we picked petals off daisies and whistled a song that once meant something to me.

we watched the white icy blanket of winter billow across the once green mountains

and warming our hands by the fireplace, we drew each other close again

and then we began to weave each other out of the pattern we were sewing

and i yearned for your color to return to the fabric

and i found myself empty

i found myself dull

i am colorless

without you.

today is done, tomorrow will never come

chai and chocolate cake
while neitzche was spoken

the sun descended with the temperature of the air

we sat in a san franciscan park and let words trickle off our tongues

the winds of santa fe carried a voice that called to me...
i heard the call and packed my bags without so much as a moment of thought.

when the days are longer, i shall depart...
reality will have passed me by
but at least i won't be expecting it.

we will ride through sandy mountains, and broken glass to make our way west
and find the salty air again.

our eyes carry the same glint when one of the masters come up in conversation

and so it is clear that we are of this tribe...

its clear that we are made to stand by one another, adorned in white head dressed atop a mountain and breathe in the crystal flagstaff air and scream our sins to whatever owl will listen.

and the goon will come home and sit in the garden with the butterflies and humminbirds, lupin and lavender...

but they won't have any clue.
and that is why we are here.

the joy that ripples from my heart and into the peninsula's tidepools, is the very same ripple that will carry across the sea and crash as a wave upon the indonesian coastline.

so now i sleep that others can wake below me...

we are all just flowing. so flow i go into a realm i cannot find until i arrive. but i suppose its that way with this one too.

om peace, goodnight dear friends.

a strange hallucination in an otherwise normal night.

a cactus once told me a tale (in very broken english of course)
about a man who had walked for one million miles
and could not find his home.

as he walked the surface of the world, he held a book just beyond his nose...

the bible... the prophet... siddhartha... the qur'an... tao te ching...the celestine prophecy... an autobiography of a yogi... the torah... the alchemist... thus spoke zarathustra

his appetite was insatiable and his stamina was incomparable.

but his hollow heart would forever thirst.

he chose to walk the path of an eternal student... but he couldn't see the reprocussions of this decision... he failed to ever realize that to choose this path meant that he would never stop walking. and thus he would never find home.

the cactus sat in my living room wearing a tophat and sandles, licking his spiny fingers as he spun this story for me over the course of an hour or two.

i sat in bewilderment... eyes wide, crouched in a ball on the futon in the corner... my knees tucked into my sweatshirt.. my arms wrapped around myself, holding tight as not to let go and fall deeper into this bizarre happening.... i sat in shock.

just as i do now... because this never happened - someone else is speaking through me... i dont know who or where or what or when -

maybe the man was the eternal student and somehow i am the eternal vessel...

or maybe i am the cactus.

i hope Gibran was right about the breadcrumbs...

Cracked, calloused finger tips
"I make love to my guitar" you said
I should have heard the words then...
But I was deafened by your aura

You saw the reflection of your beauty in my eyes but forgot to step away to see the mirror - the detailed, hand-carved wood framing beveled glass... Stained a perfect dark chocolate brown.

Your rough hands pat my thigh... My silken skin... But all you feel is the drumbeat in your ears that you pat out on my body.

You heard a tempo that you played upon my skin, but forgot to see the instrument itself... The perfectly stretched drumskin wrapped over this delicately hand painted base...

You sang me a love song you said you wrote for me...

But all you heard when you sang it to me was a voice that crooned you away from me, and you forgot to hear the sound of my tears dropping to the floor.

And so this song is not for me.

And I can't help but gaze away as you nuzzle your face to my shoulder and whisper words of adoration...

Because you adore yourself... And there's nothing wrong with that.

But there's no room for me in this overflowing cup... My love touches the top and immediately is pushed out with all the other excess things in your life that mean nothing to you as they bubble out and on to the floor....

The love that falls to the bathroom floor, lies where once i lay and wept- paralyzed at the end of this chapter.

Debilitating sadness that rushed over me like standing at the base of a dry, dammed waterfall and then I open my arms and the dam rises... the heaving power of the falling water comes down for miles- gravity like a madman pulling harder and harder- the speed and strength of the water picking up fury and aggression until it hits me and pulls me down to the ground.
Each bone in my body shatters,
Each fiber of my lungs snap
And I drink in the vicious water and die a thousand times

But I guess we won't be reborn until we die

And the more times we die the more times we are born- and the older our souls will get and the wiser our hearts will grow...

So thank you for seducing me and breaking me....

For scattering rose petals at my feet so that you could close your eyes and smell the scent of roses as I passed by...

For holding me in your arms so that you could upgrade from your teddy bear...

Thank you for letting me play a role in your death so that I could have mine.

Maybe we will find eachother in this next life- with older souls and wiser hearts - and perhaps you will step back to look at the mirror reflecting your eyes- and recognize the workmanship of the drum you play your heartbeat upon- and empty your cup a little so my love can have a place to fill and a purpose to pose.

When you're ready....
Once you are dead...
You can find me on the bathroom floor.

a formula for insanity

its all coming undone in its perfectly imperfect chaos...
shaking loose the satin strings of attachment that bind us to one another.

the free falling, wild, flailing peace rips perfect seams through my spine...
and the agonizing burn warms my nearing hypothermic heart.

i dont ask that you stop or start, come or go, press or ease away...
just that you be exactly who you are...
and sit in the seat of your soul so i can sit in the seat of mine.

i will watch the leaves turn red...
and the sun go black with the smoke of a blazing forest fire.

i will watch the autumn come and pass me by again as i flutter down to an icy snow-covered hill.

my swollen eyes will gaze again at the glacier glowing blue in the moonlight...
among those that speak the language of love

and the days will get longer.

the yellow daffodiles will spring to life overnight to greet us with their crisp, spirit shaking essence...
as if to slap my rosy cheek and bring me back to the present moment.

i am not in a garden where swans dwindle and canopies of flowers hang over head.

that life is a life that was.

...but einstein said that "time only exists so that everything doesn't happen all at once."

so i cant help but wonder if i am still here...
or if i was going to be there...
or if i will be where i was...

and you wrote that then, but i say it now...

so my mind can't help but to spin circles like a kaleidoscope splattering confusing colorful shapes against the wall..
shapes that draw me in with their perfectly imperfect chaos.

and i realize that i have no choice but to sit in the bosom of this lotus flower...
and gaze towards the light in the sky...
and surrender
to not knowing.

surrender to the jumbled memories and dreams that morph you all together in this current backwards line i draw in the sand...

my breath will guide the falcon that floats above my left eye...
the falcon that will sweep my lifeless body through the air and drop me on a cliff i recognize from somewhere...
and i wont know whether to jump or fall until i arrive.

a bullfrog's lament and a lost soul in a sea of silicone and starbucks

The crooked river winding...

Bundles of sage and muddy palms.

Wildflowers bloom beside the trail.

...We are seeking our salvation...

Bullfrogs groan at human footsteps.

As we march through fennel smelling meadows, twigs crack and snap beneath us.

Sunlight peeks through between the shadows cast by twisted branches bound together like an arborous canopy overhead.

We are seeking life.

We live in a city where
LIFE
dwells
so
far
.
below
.
the surface
of the concrete and oil...
silicone and starbucks...

... that we flinch in fear when a ladybug lands on our hand which holds a cigarette out the window on the 405.

Are you lost little friend?

Perhaps the bullfrog asked ME the same question...

When did we become so radically removed from the nature that we come from,
...the nature that we WERE and ARE and WILL BE?

How can one lose sight of their own inherent nature?

Perhaps because there is none
(nature that is)
here
in this toxic-waste-dump-movie-set-sprinkled-with-people-who-live-in-a-bmw -and -a-briefcase-and -represent-the -people- that -read-a-script-and-agree-to-play-a-role-of-an-environmentalist - provided- that- their- contract - includes - an - 80' -trailer -with- constant- air-conditioning -stocked- with- slave-trade-coffee- brewed-in- blood-diamond-mugs...

Its no wonder everyone hates LA.

Why is no one else seeking their salvation by this crooked river winding?

Reach your hand out to me and let me pull you up from the sea of blindness and into the blinding sun where we will collect bundles of sage and muddy our palms.

And we will know life.

And we will know love.

And the bullfrog will ask us to stay a while.

And the ladybug will ballroom dance with my pinky finger....

...dreams of a daydream day...

An iris expanding....
Absorbing a horizon.
: : :
A heart throbbing...
Gazing at its unrequited love partner.
: : :
Fingers tapping...
On the antique oak desk in a therapist's office.
: : :
Eardrums pulsating...
From a bassline that pounds through the space and rattles the confusion from the air like batting a cobweb
: : :
A lip being bit down on....
To relieve the urge to do what should not be done. That perfectly imperfect thing that feels simultaneously so right and so wrong
: : :
Teeth so overly whitened, they make a "ding" sound ...
Chattering in the frigid icy air
: : :
Toenails cracked and coated in filth...
Chipped black polish tells the love story of a desert festival where the universe melts and walls of spirit dust consume and transform
: : :
A sweaty palm...
Being wiped dry on denim
: : :
A broken bass string...
Under christmas lights strung from the ceiling pipes
: : :
A color-beyond-the-lines coloring book
: : :
A mirror to show us who we didn't know we were
: : :
An eyelid closing
:
:
And then another
:
:
And then we dream.

flying away

You wrapped the best years of my life in your arms
held them tight to your beating heart
to your quiet breath
to your silky skin
And caressed my hair as I walked my path away from you

I bathed in sunlight
I danced in fire
I twirled and leaped away towards god

I sunk inside myself
I flew through the cosmos
I cried and screamed
My spirit bees swarmed and buzzed
I learned to tame them, to hypnotize them and put them to rest

I learned to forgive
I learned to love
I saw compassion
I tasted trust

And then I learned to fly.
And then I flew away.

solo.road.trip.mind wanderings

the open road ahead...
time to think.
time to be.

the rain comes down to wash us
the goddess from above bathing us in her tears.

there's no gurantees. no mistakes...

there is never a time to question yourself flying freely.

open arms are all around...
the ground paved with endless opportunity
the wheel waits for us to take it and drive
to step off the landing and fall

we leave to arrive.

these feet were not made for standing still!

don't you dare hold on
don't contract around

you must remember this.
hear this.
take this to your grave...
the ONLY thing that holds you back is the reigns of fear that YOU have placed upon your own shoulders.
calm your mind and wriggle out from your grip that holds you.
only you can choose to let go

ONLY YOU CAN CHOOSE TO SEE THE LIGHT THROUGH YOUR EYES

this was given to me - so i pass it to you...

the journey is the gift, the path is the prize

you are free.
you are always free
you may not see it now, but this i promise you....
you.
are.
free.

the ache

it burns my chest to think of you but there's no magic pill to take.
no soothing hand that alleviates the burn...
just time. and tolerance.
like I told you before - i trust the cosmos.
and I do.
and I did when I said what I said about divine timing.
but it sure takes its sweet time.
I said I'd wait.
I'd give it time.
... and now I sit and stare at the un-blossomed bulb with roots floating in air
and I will it to unfold
...whispering encouragement
trying not to beg...
trying not to cry...
my open heart is growing callouses.
... i sit here beckoning you towards to beach.
but you don't see my outstretched hands
...my knuckles white
...my jaw clenched
because my words paint a mask upon my face reflecting OM and you think I'm at ease...
but my light pours out.
my love runs to your moon.
... and there is no reflection
the light just trails into the dark and seems to get smaller as it is consumed into nothingness...
the tide that turns, pulls our wakes apart...
but our bobbing heads can make out the shape of one another across the sea between us.
and i call.
but the gulls cry too loud and drown out the sound of my call to you.
my call for you to swim towards the shore and meet me there...
where we can finally embrace and roll in the waves...
... soak our souls in meaning
...let our hearts make one as we sing poetic words of bliss...
and find wonder in the face of each other...
...to touch you
...to have you by my side
...to crawl beneath your arm.
... to know you're to my left
... to be home at last with you
...to feel you feel my light
...to know that you know what I know
...to finally be as one.

...fear

...the wind howls haunting jibberish in my mind
sirens blare
darkness around
suddenly I am
drowning
collapsing
falling
palm frawns rustle a warning
the creatures emerge
all is moving, creeping, lurking
my skin crawls in fear
my pysche shifts and turns
frantically
searching
for
the
golden
sunlight
.
.
.
it's not there
it won't be
i must sit
i must trust
... this movement is the same as the movement in light... the haunting, daunting other side of the yin yang that is unfamiliar to me...

...but it is.

Affirmative Madness

I do not speak my truth to antagonize you....
I share this swollen river running -- This waterfall of faith-- because it flows out from me like lennon's endless rain....
My paper cup is this poem-- to which this endless string of words spill out and on to...
I stain the sentences with abundant articulations that boil inside me...
I thirst, I starve, I crave.
All that quenches...
All that satiates....
is to open the faucet and allow the words to run...
They skip and dance across themselves...
They formulate on their way out like fireworks deciding which way they will face when they open and sizzle in the night air...
And when they do...
What a sight to behold.
It shocks me like the boom, and takes me aback to see what has emerged.
And Keroac knew.
He knew all along... that I was one.
As my words explode like spiders across the sky...
I watch in staggering wonder at my truth revealed...
I know that I am home here.
I have taken my vow...
signed in blood...
solemnly sworn myself in...
been hazed and pinky promised...
I know...
without the shadow of a doubt...
that I am a mad one.
...and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Santosha-less-ness

I run my fingers across smooth glassy water just to watch it ripple away from me...
It would be so easy to hold on though it requires effort...
Because somehow it is effortless to my mind....
So i make it hard...
I let go and allow myself to fall just to see where I land...
I undulate through the steel grates I fall upon and melt into the stream that runs below the earth... Just to be taken away with the tides...
The universe throws obstacles at me...
But I gracefully play like a cat...
Leaping around them, over them, beyond them...
and then, when the wave of trouble has rolled by...
I find myself alone in the stillness waiting for the rest of the world to catch up...
and I find myself running my fingers across the smooth glassy water just to watch it ripple away from me...

to my brother i never had and have always had...

We floated through time
We flowed in and out of birth and death and transformation
We found a familiar spirit wearing another face
But every time we knew we'd been reunited again

We walked through the same ruins that we had bathed in another time

We sang a melody that we'd written as birds calling to one another as we floated over uncharted lands

We gazed at an ocean that once we swam in

We laughed a laughter that had been tickling our hearts for all of time

We emerged from the sea of oneness aware that we would come home

And each time we were given the gift of bodies we walked side by side as cosmic siblings. The earth as our mother, the sky as our father.

The moon shining truth and reminding us to breathe.

We lay our heads upon the mother. We felt her light. We chanted to the sun and skipped through the desert.

Every being here on earth knows it knows... But we know nothing.
There's nothing to know
Only to be

And what a gift it is

..::: angels :::..

Did a sunset ever show you heaven's light?
Did the clouds ever form to tell you a secret?
Did the smell of fresh cut grass ever transport you through time?
Did your soul ever sing?
Did your heart ever speak?
Did your angels lull you to sleep?

Did you feel our love hold your shell here on earth?
Did you sluff your cocoon and fly away or are you still here or have you returned? Were you reborn?

...and now?

Do you show us heaven's light with the setting sun?
Do you tell us secrets in the shifting clouds?
Do you bring us a memory you know we miss by wafting an aroma to our senses?
Do you harmonize with our singing souls?
Do you reply in conversation with our speaking hearts?
Do you stand with the angels and lull us to sleep?

.never forget november.
11:11

head in the sand... head in the sky

Feel nothing...
We reach out to find what was standing behind us.
The ebb and flow and cyclical motion of all that is- the rustle of the leaves on a swaying tree kissed by the golden light of a setting sun...
The wilting roses set upon the alter for a friend transcended...
The message in an emtpy wine bottle that washes on to shore...
The message inside was written for you and no-one else....
It tells an endless tale of waterfalls and moonlit kisses in a desert...
It tells a tale we've heard before, but wait on bated breath to hear again for the first time.
A constant harmony...
The wind that sings a descant we can't hear because we ARE the sky.
We look from above through the window of the atmosphere, and giggle at our stumbling souls.
We sigh as we watch ourselves glimpse at 'the all' through a moment of bliss and then we watch how quickly we forget .
That passion driving our love for one another....
The hidden intoxicant that washes off our hesitant, insecure confusion....
The passion is our vehicle that drives us towards the viewpoint from where we can see why we are here...
but almost always the vehicle takes a wrong turn just before we arrive to the sight that we wait to behold.
And we must start the journey again...
But there's a reason we can't hold on to the bliss, to the truth, to the loving consciousness at all times..
Its the same reason that grasp as we might, we can't catch the wind....
Is it a cosmic game?
Or do we have to cry and ache and writhe in pain and spend a lifetime, or a day, or for some, just a breath in the darkness and confusion to then find ourselves returning home?
The perpetual swing of the pendulum from darkness to light, from untruth to truth and from death to immortality....
Its all so clear and yet so clearly unclear....
I think I just understood the ostrich.

a poem - or maybe its a song.... i dont know yet

We're all
... a little lost
.... a little found
... a bit confused
.... becoming conscious

Each day
... we shine our light
.... we walk this path
... each breath we take
... our love is born

We're here on earth
... to taste the peach
... to ache and cry
... to pause and wonder

And only when
... we're brave enough
... to walk alone
... in to the dark

We see a face we recognize
... And then its clear
... We're all but one

... some thoughts...

So... i watched this video and it blew my mind...

for a couple reasons - first of all... i realized that if i would have watched that video just a couple of years ago, i would have felt so small.... so insignificant...
NOW - it makes me feel vast.



As i was lying in bed - these thoughts danced through my head...

... we are all card carrying members of THE ALL.

we are so vast

we are so beautiful

we are so endless

never forget november

LOVE is all there is besides space and endless energy.

we dont get to choose what happens - that is up to the universe

we only get to choose how we react to what happens

choose to react with surrender and grace.

choose to LOVE fiercely and blissfully and unconditionally and endlessly

choose to not grip or grasp or hold on and contract around anything

but just FLOW

with unity consciousness, look through the lens of the prem paradigm. ignite the fire of the love revolution and walk boldly into the dark with trusting, open arms.

receive and allow.

trust and believe

honor your spirit and allow it to grow without any trellice or stakes. grow infinitely and wildly.

be as creative and unique and individual as you are.

know that you are held.

angels are space. you are held by the space around you. you are held by angels.

close your eyes and breathe deeply every day- know that you are awake. you are conscious. and you are alive.

and this gift is fleeting and may be gone tomorrow.

so taste the peach.

release your grip and soar among the clouds, allow your heart to sing into the wind and howl OM at the moon.

we are bigger then even we (the all) can fathom or imagine. there is endless space for us to breathe into to walk into to forge through into and blossom into... we are the space. we have no limit.

the only restrictions that can possibly be, are the ones we create and allow to be there.

we are limitless. we are the ONE.

living the burn with a burned out clutch

I came out of my house yesterday and there was my car. where i had left it on monday... (i rode my bike all day tuesday)... it was parked on 4th street showered in gifts!
on the windshield was a $61 parking ticket for street cleaning the day before when i hadnt moved it. and the entire side of the car was coated in filthy, sewage smelling water that was in a puddle next to the car... obviously all day/night cars had been zooming by and splashing this nasty nasty water all over the side of the car.

well... i chose to just take it with a grain of salt... get in the car and drive to teach my first private that morning. En route up to the palisades my car started driving really weird. revving super high in each gear and not picking up speed. SO, i just turned up my music (the burning man soundtrack i made that includes our awesome fire gazebo bronski beat song)... drowning out the revving sound and i just breathed through my mouth as i sang really loud, so i wouldnt have to smell the nasty sewage water on my car.

I got to teach and was a few minutes early, so i just hosed off the car, but it actually didnt help for some reason. oh well.

then i left there and drove to my second private client. This time, i barely got there. My car was not even barely moving. This particular client prefers me to teach breathing and guided meditation, so of course as i was leading him through, i was really speaking to myself.
Guiding him to energetically release and surrender anything that was happening that was out of his control, because what is the point of trying to resist or push against the universe? there's no stopping that sucker and it will just exhaust you...
and of course my favorite thing to remind people... "if we are resisting, we are experiencing a lack of ease... and what is a lack of ease, but DIS-EASE... so really, when we reisist and fight, we are just bringing disease into our lives"...

So after leading my client, but really leading mySELF through releasing and surrendering to the universe's plans.... i left and got back in my car.

i had to call my friend and let him know that i wouldn't be able to drive to his meditation class that i promised i would go to and started to feel really guilty and bummed out that i was bailing on him, but quickly reminded myself that the universe has a plan and i just have to roll with it and embrace it!

SO, i decided i needed to go to my mechanic. Of course i broke down on the way, but hey! at least i was on my way there. So, as i sat there on the side of the road in culver city starting to freak out waiting for the tow truck, i just had this OVERWHELMING sense of the playa at burning man.
and its like all the weight lifted off my shoulders and i just smiled.
all the questions of "why am i in this mess?" "why did i break down HERE" they were all so clear.

At burning man you never question why am i here? why did i take THIS route? because everywhere you go there is some amazing art installation or something that you look at and go WOW! i am so happy that the universe sent me in this direction... or else i might have missed this beautiful piece of art.

WELL... isnt the default world exactly the same? ALthough, the beautiful gifts along the way aren't shiny art installations, but moments in time alone, or weird tow truck drivers.
But isnt that a gift too? just like wandering upon a metal nest full of mosaic eggs made out of mirror.... i wandered upon donald, the tattooed, grumpy tow truck driver.

Donald arrived to tow me and there i was sitting in a meditation with a great big smile on my face. HE kept looking at me like i was either some hippie on drugs or maybe just slightly mentally retarded. WHO SMILES when they have a broken down car that smells like burning rubber and sewage and at least a grand in repairs, and is sitting on the side of some shady road in culver city? obviously someone who is remembering that this is ALL A GIFT! this is my art installation i wandered upon.

I told Donald all about how mercury has been in retrograde (and what that meant.. since he was looking at me like i was speaking chinese)... and how that is why he has had so much business. etc etc. and honestly, at first he was like, oh my god! why did i have to pick up the weird hippie chick, and by the end, he had turned his thug rap down and was so interested in what i was saying and was so excited to tell his friends at the tow place that they could plan ahead for next time mercury goes retrograde and know that business would be crazy busy and plan for it.

Then i get to the mechanic and again, i am ALL smiles. totally positive and happy and realizing that whatever happens is perfect. if i've blown my transmission, i would just have to get a new car.. and THAT would be my phoenix rising from the ashes... and if it was just the clutch burning out, i would be so lucky and just have a new clutch!
and the best part of all is that i hadnt eaten anything all day and as Donald was driving me up Washington blvd i saw we passed "leaf" the awesome raw foods restaurant.
SO, as soon as i dropped my car i had a lovely little walk about a mile down the road and treated myself to an AWESOME lunch at leaf.

NOTHING about this seemingly "shitty" day was shitty. I totally loved every moment of it.
Alex came and picked me up and took me to work and then i got to walk home while chatting to my mom for the whole half hour walk. it was awesome. AND.. it WAS just the clutch... AND i thought a new clutch would be 1500 and its only 850!

This is just ONE example of a day when the realizations and epiphanies i got at burning man were put into effect and i just rose above all these things in life that would have gotten me down in my old life and now, i just see them as this awesome gift... how BORING would life be without my cosmic art installations in the form of sewage water, and Donald, and burned out clutches?

Life is beautiful and i love every minute here in it.

the gift is the journey...
the prize is the path...

burning man 2009

my first year...
a friend said very clearly...
"trying to explain burning man to someone who has not been there is like trying to explain color to a blind person."

but, still... i journaled throughout and this is it.

Entry 1- departure day
Woke up at 5:15am and then lay down in bed and immediately thought/must have been dreaming I was in cary's mom's car outside their house and just took five deep breaths.
And then my alarm went off and it was 6.

Got to Alex's house... Chaos. She had slept for only one hour and was not packed. One of our camp mates called and hadn't slept... Was still drunk from last night. My car alarm went off for a good five minutes directly into her neighbor's house until we realized I locked my keys in the trunk.

Finally en route to Leo's house. Jamie driving with leonard cohen mellowness juxtaposed to the prior experience and the outside of the convertible.... Swirling above us....Fire smoke EVERYwhere... Although horrifically, intoxicatingly reminiscent of the fire that destroyed my home in Laguna in 1993.... Maybe a precursor of the SHIVA-esque death, destruction and transformation of fire and thus the experience to come at burning man.
???

Entry 2
On the RV allowing all the do-ers to do...
Someone I was not expecting is on the bus with us named David. I immediately love him. He gave me a blessing with his tibetan bowl from india. I felt it straight through every chakra.. Resonating deeply between my heart and throat chakras.. A deep aqua blue... Alex saged the whole rv and I feel like NOW I am ready...
Finally... I am prepared...

And we're off.

Entry 3

Incredible. I have found a spirit mirror friend. We've been drawing mandalas... He starts, I go, he goes, I go...
Beautiful intricate, spiritual art set to downtempo electronic music and stimulating conversations about universal, spiritual consciousness... And we don't even need to say the words, we know we know.
Very cool peoplei am stoked to be with on this journey. I pulled out of thin air that my new friend David was a gemini, libra rising. Not surprised... Synchronicity and cosmic clarity abounds....

Stopped for lunch. It is so hot.. Its unreal. And we're not even to the desert yet.

Back to mandala drawing paired with a taro card reading from Molly..
My work is so clear... Moving from this yogic knowledge, yoking the opposites in yin yang beauty and moving towards the priestess inside me to share the wealth of the universe. But I have to remember to nurture myself and take care so I don't deplete my energies while sharing my gifts.

Entry 4

Literally... Drawing collaborative mandalart for SEVEN straight hours with these awesome people from the RV.
Unreal.

Entry 5

Met the rest of our camp in reno and went for a "last meal" at joe's diner... Some pretty special people... All artists, musicians, and spiritual beings... We have some new mandalart collaborations which are just amazing..

We have a gallery... Tainted love is killing me its so sick

Its dark and we are driving towards the unknown in the desert... I don't know if I can accurately articulate what I am feeling... But butterflies... Swarms of butterflies in my stomach... Their racing wings tickling my throat as they frantically fly around inside me.

I keep saying "surrender"

Entry 6

We are on the road that leads to BRC (black rock city) i think it is the fifth biggest city in nevada which is crazy as it only exists for one week a year.

We are driving through pure nothingness caressed by the milky moonlight. There is nothing else for miles except for burner-mobiles in a line like ants following a trail of cosmic breadcrumbs.

Here we roll down this desolate, moonkissed highway with more bicycles then are safe to be precariously bungee corded to the back of RVs, buses, SUVs and the occasional beater honda that is like the little engine that could... "I think I can-ing all the way through this harsh desert landscape.

Inside our RV its pitch black except for a green glowstick I broke open and strung from the ceiling... Casting a small aura of greenlight like a firefly in a leporchaun costume for st patrick's day...

Just barely, we can make out the mandalart taped to the walls, fridge, cabinets, and microwave... Our inhouse gallery... The art is absolutely gorgeous. Seriously special pieces of art.

I just gave a long massage to a new friend with crazy chakra tatoos and skin mandalart... Immediately I feel like old friends with mostly everyone here.
Its so effortless.


Entry 7

2am... Waited in line to get gas in Gerlach... We arrived at the 2pump shell station 23 RVs behind the pump... For at least an hour and a half we idled and in the distance curving behind us we could see this infinite line of headlights...

As the time ticked by we drew some more mandalart....

Now we are in a line that moves 100 feet and then stops.. Engines go off... Electronic music goes on and the anticipation of this wild destination is so palpable... I feel like I could reach my hand out into the dark, cool desert air and grab ahold of the feelings of "oh my god.. We are so freaking close! I can taaaaaste it."

....And it tastes like playa dust

Entry 8

I can see the gate.
My eyes are playing tricks on me and I think I'm seeing ferris wheels and roller coasters but maybe that's what's in store for me?
holy man...

Entry 9

Its 4am... Still in line... So close and yet so far... There is a guy/girl in camoflage and a bright electric light-up hulahoop... Hoop dancing on the roof of the RV in front of us.

The dust is already making me cough.. Dry tickle in my throat, nose and lips,.. They weren't kidding. This is like reeeeal desert out here.... With the occasional ice cream truck and electric light up hoop dancer on a roof of an RV... So normal.


Entry 10
We got in at sunrise.
Its so phenomenal and beautiful.
This dust...
Oh my god.. This dust

I practiced yoga this morning and let the white powder coat my body... There is a deep spirituality in this dust

I was just in the middle of the playa where "the man" soars high in the air surrounded by miles of nothingness spattered and sprinkled with art installations that your wildest dreams might not be able to conger.

As a dust storm grew near...( A wall of white that consumes everything in its path and then moves on out towards the mountains in the same wall formation as before....) Huge, fat raindrops started to fall

There I was in front of this divine creation towering over the playa, swirling, dancing white alkaline dust flying towards me and the heavens opening up all at once...

I lay down right in the dust and looked up through my goggles to the sky and welled up with tears...

An african drum circle was playing next to me and the occasional "mutant art car" drove by playing loud music with laughter and voices behind that...

And through my goggles this beautiful phenomenon.. This white spirit soars and swirled and rushed before my eyes. I was so so moved.

It is so wild that this place exists...

I almost can't really explain it other then a world of whiteness dotted with colors that are not even on the spectrum

I am now at the heebeegeebee healing camp about to get an ayurvedic consultation with one of their healers.

What an experience


Entry 11

I have been here so many time before...
Molly suggested we go on a mutant car tomorrow night and I said "I've always wanted to do that and never gotten around to it.." Hello!!! I've been here less then 24 hrs...

But just like when they greet you at the gate and say "welcome home"... I've been here and I belong here

The art lying underneath a thousand colorful neon bulbs in strands lighting at different times ... Unreal tonight

Up to teach yoga at 7am at the shift camp tomorrow

I miss my jamie. But I hope he doesn't come.. Its a hard journey to make and we need to make it together.

Entry 12

6am wakeup call to go teach yoga... The playa is freezing and light is just pouring in... And there are still about twenty different bass lines wafting through the air in earshot of our RV.

People are definitely still up running around this grown-up playground!


Entry 13

Opened my eyes this morning at 6am the sun was just rising over the playa... Spirit healers walking in silence and partygoers still riding on mutant vehicles playing dub step music...

These dust storms are the shamic spirit of the playa reminding us that they are here whether snails shooting flames are here or not.

Beautiful.

I went for coffee at center camp and listened to acoustic music as the sun came up cascading its glory over the art which abounds throughout this cosmic wonderland...

This is a mad carnival playground for grownups

I practiced yoga way out.. About a mile into the playa... Surrounded by this glorious cracked dried playa dust... It was phenomenal.

There was an installation nearby with metal trees surrounding a little house with pillows and instructions to write a "future memory" on leaves and then pin them on the metal trees.
I meditated and has a strong vision, a future memory of childbirth.. Painful but cathartic and beautiful...


Entry 14

If you could see what I could see from the rooftop of this RV through dust covered lenses you'd be looking at a sea of twinkling, dancing, blinking, strobing, flickering, twirling neon light and flames... For miles.
It looks like we are on the moon dancing to summon the aliens...
Un-real

No joke... This white dust looks like moondust... And the blinking madness is of the aliens

Entry 15

In the playa, last night was a giant ring of flames that sporadically shot 50 foot flames into the air... Inside the ring were fire dancers
There were buses turned into caterpillars and snails that shot flames out of their backs.
We wandered through these art installations wide eyed, amazed by every single bizarre, unbelievable thing that I could never have even dreamed up in my wildest fantasies...
This place is bonkers.

Entry 16
Wednesday... I was able to get to the "satellite phone" someone has gifted burning man and was able to call jamie. We decided that he is not coming this year... I am worried about his ankle but relieved that I'm not going to be waiting for him to find me here.

We taught yoga this morning... A class in three parts... I taught the first third... Doing breathwork and warm up.. We ended up having 30 people which was amazing. I loved adjusting everyone because their hearts are so open and everyone is SO receptive to touch and adjustments...


When we got back, ross and jessica came over and we made plans for the night... We are going to go to the temple which is a GIANT wooden structure way out in the deep playa that burns on saturday... And everyone wears white and there are breakbeats playing all night.

Then I went over to the dreams tent and had one of the most powerful readings/ therapy sessions etc...
Three pyschics read me..
it wads profound... all about jamie and me and intuition...
Then i went to see the woman in the spirit cafe who was painting on people's bodies and she touches you and divinity tells her what to pain and where... And she painted a lilly flower on my right arm for jamie and I.... Its OUR flower... From weddings, anniversary, everything


Entry 17

I hand wrote a few incidents that stood out to me as totally bizarre on a scrap of paper in my pocket,
Mind you... These are minor incidents within a sea of similar obscurities and oddities...

A guy in a hooded gold unitard just rode by me on a jet ski

Dancing to alex's boyfriend marquis play a set at the art car wash... Which has pool noodles in a spiral to look like a carwash, and a scaffolding for people to dance on.... A herd of cows came towards us. 30 people in head-to-toe cow costumes with utters. (One wearing a pope hat)... And a black guy in a leopard suit with a glittering gold tophat on pogo sticks jumping with the herd... Came through the carwash.

Five minutes later a silver pirate ship driven by a naked fully turquoise man drove through and all the cows got on. Wild!

Entry 18

Today I got my hair washed in the hairwashing booth and named my washer "truth"
Then I went to center camp and saw a myriad of a bunch of performers and circus weirdos...
Then ross and jessica and I rode around... We went to the hookadome and had an incredible experience... Ambient sounds, a drummer, beautiful draped ceilings, hookahs and a man who sprayed us with lavender oil water...
Then I stood on the roof of my RV and watched skydivers drop into the playa as the full moon rose over the mountains...
Spectacular


Entry 19

We had an amazing magical mystery tour with my RV (alex, Dennis, leo, molly and chris and tosh)... Went down a three story high astroturf slide on a potato sack...

Went in a spaceship

We walked ALL over the playa... Night is so different when we walk.. Much more interactive but freezing cold and really really long walks..

I finished the night at 4 am in the jazz cafe listening to a group of 50/60 year old men playing amaaaaazing jazz music... It could have been in the palisades.. But I suppose the passed out christmas tree dressed girl in the corner and the naked man all in silver paint listening in the audience gave away that this was nooooot the palisades!!

I also saw christoph and his girlfriend again.. I walked up to her and did a polychanell...

We got two new people in our camp mikey and christian who are hysterical. Christian is sleeping on the roof.

So funny. I looooooove these people, my camp roooooocks.

Entry 20

Last night I watched the universe melt.

Entry 21
Its the night the man burns... Just spent hours on the roof of the RV re acclimating, surmising, recapping, and analyzing this illuminating experience.
There is only what is....

Entry 22

The man burning was so cathartic and moving.
We sat on the breathing playa earth in a group holding each other, recognizing the end of this experience with fear, sadness, acceptance and finally... Clarity.

I thought back to the moment I first felt the moving, dancing spirit of a playa dust storm move through the desert canvas while raindrops fell on my goggled eyes, guarding the tears that rolled down my cheeks.

I thought of the massive opening and light that shines here illuminating divine consciousness and truth.

David and I sat on the roof before we left for the burn, playa dust swirling around us. He, acting as a mirror or filter for me to come to my conclusions... To sum up and make a single coherent thought about my experiences, which at present were wild, disconnected, overwhelming feelings.

It was one of the clearest moments I've seen or felt in my entire life when Mikey, (my newest soul brother and journey partner)
Asked me to teach him yoga as the sun rose at dawn after roaming the desert all night arm in arm deep in conversation and contemplation.

In this moment, it was so clear to me that teaching yoga is the way that I am able to channel the divine spirit through and relay it into pedestrian life. Perfect communication with the spirit and creator.

I realized that we should not focus on what SHOULD be, but what IS.

That there are no "higher levels of consciousness"... Only consciousness.

The top of my head split open and the bright sunshine fire-light gowing like the crown beneath the man during the burn- began to shoot skyward like the bursts of flames we've seen all week on the playa.

My path... Although not straight and nothing like what I thought it was, lit up... And lead to that divine light source and beacon... Confirming what I've been following... My life work so clear in this single sunrise moment shared with someone who was a stranger only a few days ago.

My life work...

To love fiercely and deeply

To teach the little bit that I know and to unite... To yoke...

To live yoga in every waking hour beside my partner... The man who's soul my firey heart beats every beat for and with..

God, I hope he gets what the HELL I am talking about. Jamie has been in every thought and moment and literally every single beat of my heart since I have been here.

Entry 23

Sitting on the roof of the RV taking one last look, one last long inhale... Trying to absorb and lock in this place.

We just watched the temple burn. A totally different experience to the man burning... The man burning was loud and exciting and boisterous... A celebration with fireworks galore.
This temple burn was silent and somber.. Started with about 10-15 skydivers with flares on their feet and next thing you knew the temple was on fire. This beautifully constructed wooden piece of art garnished with dreams, wishes, intentions and memories began to collapse one petal at a time, like a flower dying and springing new birth.
The smoke coming off the flames was golden and iridescent in the moonlight.
As if by magic, a bird flew from what looked like out of the flames and up into the sky. We ALL saw this small golden bird and heard the chirp. Like a spirit released...
I turned to each of my friends who I've spent this journey with, humbly thanking them for being a part of my experience!

Entry 24

I fell asleep in the RV before we even pulled out of the spot where we've been parked and thus called home for seven long days... 4:45 and F... I woke up 6 hours later with an aching heart. I think I just knew I had to sleep it off and couldn't sit and watch the playa get smaller and smaller in the distance... I had to pull off the baindaid so to speak.

I woke up at a pit stop at mcdonalds in who-knows-where....

Where's all the art cars?

A pit in my stomach...

Where's the playa dust?

I feel incapacitated.. Like I've broken up with a loved one.

I feel like a butterfly that just lost my wings... Now I have to go back to walking around on my own feet, like the caterpillar I once was before I grew wings and learned to fly...

I am going back to a world that is entirely fine.. I'm a healthy, happy caterpillar, but I KNOW what it feels like to fly... I know that I have the capacity to spread my wings... But I also know that they only grow in a certain climate and I won't be able to return there and fly again for another year. In the meantime I will remain broken... Looking full and complete as a caterpillar to most... But those who know me on the playa know that this is just a younger, wingless version of me.

How do I go back to crawling and walking when I remember soaring and flying?

My heart literally aches for that place already...

i RIDE my bike to work

sooo... over the last month i have ridden a bike to work more days than i have driven.
I realized that this qualifies me to say " i RIDE my bike to work..."
that is so amazing.

first of all... i was never a big bike rider.
i think we had bikes as kids, but i can't quite remember really ever being on them. I remember once our bikes got stolen in the Bennett house, but still... i have no recollection of riding my bike as a kid. I guess i was of the mindset "why ride, when you can dance where you need to go?"

anyways... about 2 years ago Bianca suggested we go for a bike ride, and i have to admit i was totally scared. I knew i could still do it, but i felt SO awkward sitting atop this big beach cruiser... and no matter what, everytime i picked up speed and heard the air rushing past my ears i would hear the witch from the wizard of oz song "dada-dada-dada-daaaaa, dada-dada-dada-daaaa"

anyways, needless to say it came back to me... feeling like i didnt need to divebomb the grass and bail out when i was going too fast... (i beleive that is how Lara learned to ride a bike.... i think my dad taught her on a bike with no brakes or something... did i make this up? perhaps. i just seem to remember in salinas Lara coming in from learning to ride a bike all bloody and bruised.... perhpas this is where my awkwardness and slight fear stems from..) anyways. i digress (for a change)

I am RIDING a bike these days and i love it. I have learned how to avoid traffic, and i even run errands now. I rode my bike to work and then all the way up to the 99 cent store to buy some 99cent suppplies for burning man.. woo hooo i leave on sunday.... and then i rode my bike all the way home past the morgan wixon theatre where i just performed thoroughly modern millie.

WELL... right in front.. giant 36x36 marquee is the artwork i did for a kids play they are putting on called "too many frogs"... i illustrated a little bunny sitting in an armchair reading to a frog and did the flyer, and marquee and little postcards..

it was really fun... i feel like a published artist... and it makes me remember how much i want to write and illustrate a chilren's book one day...
maybe when i have kids of my own!

OH right... i am talking about riding my bike to work..

SO, i love it and i feel like i am doing good for the world and it feels good physically to ride AND i am much more energized when i get where i am going then if i sit in my car in traffic gradually getting lulled to sleep by the sound (and probably fumes) of my engine.

Like, when i get home from work after riding my bike, i feel like i have the energy to go to an evening yoga class which is AWESOME! i am much more likely NOT to plop on the couch with popcorn and watch reruns of seinfeld. (our absolute most favorite thing to do always, any time anywhere... including our honeymoon!.)

OK.. i am clearly getting away from this whole bike riding thing. But let me just say i feel so proud to chain up my bike outside the office next to everyone's cars.

pat on the back for zani.

some more stuff

here are some facts for you to know about me. (if for any reason you might find yourself interested)

1. i've always wanted to be a stunt person

2. my parents named me planning to call me "xani" but i changed it to "zan" when i was 9.

3. i had lived in 12 houses when i was 10 yrs old, including a few in germany and switzerland.

4. i am convinced that my parents are like those gypsie people in the movie "chocolat" that have to put on red capes and move towns when the wind changes.

5. i got legally married at 19

6. i can play the bass.... badly... thanks to the turquoise bass jamie bought me three years ago and i only picked up a few months ago.

7. i really like socks of all sorts, and i keep single socks that lost their pair in a drawer called the "sock grave"

8. i LOVE cleaning my apartment, and go on a rampage from time to time... scrubbing for hours and hours.

9. there was a time in my life when i actually believed i was from the planet zork and would speak gibberish to myself to prove it.

10. i love snowboarding and have never even put on a pair of skis.

11. sometimes when i am alone i think of something funny and burst in to laughter... but i'm talking the kind of laughter where i cant breathe and my eyes water and my stomach muscles hurts

12. i taught preschool for four years at a jewish temple even though i was raised catholic

13. when i was a kid my "security blanket" was a stupid paperback book called "one hundred and one funny bunny jokes" and i left it in a symphony hall one time and cried for days until my dad went back and found it (or bought me a new one... i cant be sure)

14. we weren't allowed to watch TV as kids... we had ONE video of the sound of music and ONE of westside story with the last half recorded over... When i finally saw the whole thing of westside story, i was like.. HEY! It doesn't end like that! You added all this fighting stuff in! thanks mom. that was almost as cool a moment as when i didnt know who new kids on the block were in third grade.

15. i was in AWE when i went to Melissa Wenke's house and she could maneuver a TV remote control without looking at it.

16. My sisters and I put on plays in the garage wherever we lived and got REALLY serious about them. we wrote scripts, had costumes (from the amazing costume trunk), masks (left over from the opera), makeup (stolen from mom's purse), and sets (made out of indian bedspreads)

17. when we lived in switzerland my mom was so depressed from the cold, dark winter she would blast the heat, put us in little bathing suits and grass skirts and blare latin music and we would have dance parties all day...

18. i think i am mildly agoraphobic... i hate the IDEA of going out and being social.. but then once i am out i am totally fine..

19. when i lived in London, i worked at the society of trust and estate practitioners.... i couldn't tell you why.

20. when i moved back from London I immediately bought a convertible, became a yoga instructor and realized i would never leave California again.

21. If i could, i would eat only raw foods forever.

22. I got kicked out of Pali High... twice.

23. I love cooking shows, even though i can't eat ONE thing they cook due to my bizarre eating regulations...

24. I've had two houses burn down. One was a forest fire, one was an electrical fire.

25. I have two tattoos... both i got before I was 17 with a fake ID.

some stuff

1. What time did you get up this morning? 8:00am

2. Diamonds or pearls? diamonds!

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Bruno..i laughed and gasped but was overall unimpressed.

4. What is your favorite TV show? So you think you can dance!

5. What do you usually have for breakfast? coffee... and if i eat i will have yogurt and a perfect foods bar

6. What is your middle name? Devon

7. What food do you dislike? capers, fennel, and anything smoky like chiptole.

8. What is your favorite CD at moment? MC yogi - elephant dreams

9 What kind of car do you drive? a little blue converable

10. Favorite sandwich? Rawvolution's cocophoria... curried coconut jerkey mmmmmmm.

11. What characteristic do you despise? i dont desise anyone or anything about anyone.. but i find in-authenticity really aggrevating.

12. Favorite item of clothing? anything flowy and soft... my bamboo wrap sweater is awesome

13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? machu picchu... although i am going to belize in october and preeeeety stoked on that.

14 . Favorite brand of clothing? dont really have one... maybe lululemon or yogitoes (when we are making clothing)

15. Where would you retire to? malibu?

16. What was your most recent memorable birthday? 20th... jamie and i went took a helicopter to catalina with his parents and rented a bicycle built for two... and just had one of those perfect days

17. Favorite sport to watch? football

20. When is your birthday? April 16th

21. Are you a morning person or a night person? morning!

22. What is your shoe size? 8.5

23. Pets? never had one..

24. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us?going to burning man in 72 hours!

25. What did you want to be when you were little? prima ballerina

26. How are you today? happy and feeling blessed to be in a beauitful world

27. What is your favorite candy? im not huge on candy... but probably now and laters... just cuz i love brent.

28. What is your favorite flower? lilies... because i had them at my wedding!

29. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? sunday! burning man or bust day

30. What's your full name? Alexandra Devon Roberts

31. What are you listening to right now? silence

32. What was the last thing you ate? thai food... i looooove it

33. Do you wish on stars? yes... i wished on a shooting star... actually a meteor at the willie nelson concert a few weeks ago

34. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? cerulean... not sure why

36. The first person you spoke to on the phone today? i dont think ive been on the phone.. but i texted max early to meet him for breakfast at urth cafe

37. Favorite soft drink? not really a soft drink person... but i love ginger beer!

40. What was your favorite toy as a child? the dress-up trunk

41. Summer or winter? summer!!

42. Hugs or kisses? cuddles!

43. Chocolate or Vanilla? depends on the day... but usually vanilla.

48. What did you do last night? took kathryn's yoga class and watched top chef with jamie..
asleep by 11pm

49. What are you afraid of ? birds

50. Salty or sweet? salty all day.

I'm a cruiser

I like beach cruisers, convertibles, comfy couches and soft blankets...

I like flexible work schedules and flowy clothing

I like lying on the beach and reading while mindlessly playing with sand between my fingers and toes

I like grazing and nibbling when I'm hungry

I like leaving the house with wet hair and letting the sun dry it

I like being barefoot ALMOST always.. with the exception of when i watch movies and like soft, snuggly socks

I like cruisin around a golf course in a golfcart while humming to myself

I like SIGHing out in yoga

I like meditating with a breeze blowing past my face

I dont like doing NOTHING, but i dont like being crazy.. I'm clearly just a cruiser....

nostalgia

dear gorgeous girlfriends...

i am sitting in my office this evening and the sun is at that 6:30pm angle where it is just so beautiful and golden, pouring in through the window like warm honey..
and jack johnson "brushfire fairytales" is playing on my computer through my itunes..

my heart feels so heavy.

at first i thought it was sadness.

of course you five girls came to my mind, because you were so influential and important in my life during the brushfire fairytale that was our life in highschool and beyond
and i thought i was heavy hearted because i missed all of you so much.
that part is true.
i miss you all...
a LOT.
even though i see some of you frequently, i just reminisce to the years of the bluffs, sitting for hours with no job or husband or things drawing us away from this golden honey sunset light.
(except maybe my parents and their crazy curfew for me)..
what a beautiful life.

but its not sadness that is making my heart heavy.

it's saturation.

my heart is heavy because it is saturated with all the sweet juicy delicious love you have given it over the years. and when i hear this music all the spouts open up and all that love that i keep away in my most prized treasure box in my heart pours out and makes my heart heave with all the love. it's the weight of the millions of memories like millions of wet towels draped across my heart.

so.. okay, enough with all the weird descriptions...

all i am saying is thank you.

i am so honored to know all of you and to have been able to experience what i have experienced with all of you and i wouldn't trade in a single minute for all the world.

thank you for standing by me and supporting me and loving me over all these years.

if you think i am being a gushy, crazy loon try playing brushfire fairytales alone while the sun moves towards setting one evening and you'll see what im going through at this moment.

Namascaram. (the divine light in me bows to the divine light in all of you.)

OM SHANTI SHANTI SHANTI
_________________________
wrote this email last night to five goddesses that mean so much to me.

meteors and music

yesterday we went out to lake elsinore baseball diamond and watched willie nelson, john cougar mellencamp, and bob dylan rock out.

it was me, jame, BB, candie, and sean... and it was so so so fun.

we arrived in lake elsinore around 4pm and i swear it was 400 degrees. it was like hitting a wall of heat. the line to get in was all the way through the parking lot, so we stood in the boiling sun getting total heatstroke, but combating it.. err adding to it more like... with our alchoholic beverages! finally we got in and went straight down to the field to set up our blankets.
BB has been the biggest willie fan for-ever. shes seen him around 30 times. i didnt get it until i saw him. he is just so engaging and loving and happy and is still an INCREDIBLE performer at age 76! i fell in love with him right then and there. i felt like he was singing straight to me!

we were right up at the front of the stage while he was performing and then retreated to our blankets that were not far away from the stage for john mellencamp. (i have had "aint that america" stuck in my head since he sang it)... he was great too, but nothing like willie. he sang as the sun started to go down. (thank god).... although we were still sweating from dancing around like crazies.

finally, bob dylan came on. i am HUGE dylan fan, but he always disappoints in concert. BUT he was way better then he was last time we went and saw him down in san diego. he is just so cool on stage. last time he didnt even pick up a guitar... at least this time he was playing and singing instead of talk/mubmling.... but i still loved it.

at one point BB and i went over to the grass and lay down looking up at the stars singing along.. but doing our OWN rendition.. the way he used to sing when he was younger and poorer and actually wanted us to love him. in my head i was totally doing a duet with him! and as i was lying there i saw a shooting star and then two more and then i remembered that there was a meteor shower going on!! there was so much light coming off the stage i only saw those three, but it was pretty cool to think that bob dylan was singing just feet away from me underneath a meteor showered sky.

life is pretty beautiful.

a thought as i was falling asleep... grabbed the blackberry and typed an email to myself...

our purpose here on earth is to love...
not just our partners and the things we find attractive...
but to love those things that disgust us...
love the things that frustrate and annoy us...
find unity among all that lives and exists and even the things that dont live
because we are all one
we are all atoms...
energy vibrating at different frequencies and taking shape in different ways...
different beautiful ways..
unique and perfect within..
and we must love love love
until as a species we evolve..
we reach that higher consciousness as ONE... as the one that we already inherently are...
love is the only way.