burning man 2009

my first year...
a friend said very clearly...
"trying to explain burning man to someone who has not been there is like trying to explain color to a blind person."

but, still... i journaled throughout and this is it.

Entry 1- departure day
Woke up at 5:15am and then lay down in bed and immediately thought/must have been dreaming I was in cary's mom's car outside their house and just took five deep breaths.
And then my alarm went off and it was 6.

Got to Alex's house... Chaos. She had slept for only one hour and was not packed. One of our camp mates called and hadn't slept... Was still drunk from last night. My car alarm went off for a good five minutes directly into her neighbor's house until we realized I locked my keys in the trunk.

Finally en route to Leo's house. Jamie driving with leonard cohen mellowness juxtaposed to the prior experience and the outside of the convertible.... Swirling above us....Fire smoke EVERYwhere... Although horrifically, intoxicatingly reminiscent of the fire that destroyed my home in Laguna in 1993.... Maybe a precursor of the SHIVA-esque death, destruction and transformation of fire and thus the experience to come at burning man.
???

Entry 2
On the RV allowing all the do-ers to do...
Someone I was not expecting is on the bus with us named David. I immediately love him. He gave me a blessing with his tibetan bowl from india. I felt it straight through every chakra.. Resonating deeply between my heart and throat chakras.. A deep aqua blue... Alex saged the whole rv and I feel like NOW I am ready...
Finally... I am prepared...

And we're off.

Entry 3

Incredible. I have found a spirit mirror friend. We've been drawing mandalas... He starts, I go, he goes, I go...
Beautiful intricate, spiritual art set to downtempo electronic music and stimulating conversations about universal, spiritual consciousness... And we don't even need to say the words, we know we know.
Very cool peoplei am stoked to be with on this journey. I pulled out of thin air that my new friend David was a gemini, libra rising. Not surprised... Synchronicity and cosmic clarity abounds....

Stopped for lunch. It is so hot.. Its unreal. And we're not even to the desert yet.

Back to mandala drawing paired with a taro card reading from Molly..
My work is so clear... Moving from this yogic knowledge, yoking the opposites in yin yang beauty and moving towards the priestess inside me to share the wealth of the universe. But I have to remember to nurture myself and take care so I don't deplete my energies while sharing my gifts.

Entry 4

Literally... Drawing collaborative mandalart for SEVEN straight hours with these awesome people from the RV.
Unreal.

Entry 5

Met the rest of our camp in reno and went for a "last meal" at joe's diner... Some pretty special people... All artists, musicians, and spiritual beings... We have some new mandalart collaborations which are just amazing..

We have a gallery... Tainted love is killing me its so sick

Its dark and we are driving towards the unknown in the desert... I don't know if I can accurately articulate what I am feeling... But butterflies... Swarms of butterflies in my stomach... Their racing wings tickling my throat as they frantically fly around inside me.

I keep saying "surrender"

Entry 6

We are on the road that leads to BRC (black rock city) i think it is the fifth biggest city in nevada which is crazy as it only exists for one week a year.

We are driving through pure nothingness caressed by the milky moonlight. There is nothing else for miles except for burner-mobiles in a line like ants following a trail of cosmic breadcrumbs.

Here we roll down this desolate, moonkissed highway with more bicycles then are safe to be precariously bungee corded to the back of RVs, buses, SUVs and the occasional beater honda that is like the little engine that could... "I think I can-ing all the way through this harsh desert landscape.

Inside our RV its pitch black except for a green glowstick I broke open and strung from the ceiling... Casting a small aura of greenlight like a firefly in a leporchaun costume for st patrick's day...

Just barely, we can make out the mandalart taped to the walls, fridge, cabinets, and microwave... Our inhouse gallery... The art is absolutely gorgeous. Seriously special pieces of art.

I just gave a long massage to a new friend with crazy chakra tatoos and skin mandalart... Immediately I feel like old friends with mostly everyone here.
Its so effortless.


Entry 7

2am... Waited in line to get gas in Gerlach... We arrived at the 2pump shell station 23 RVs behind the pump... For at least an hour and a half we idled and in the distance curving behind us we could see this infinite line of headlights...

As the time ticked by we drew some more mandalart....

Now we are in a line that moves 100 feet and then stops.. Engines go off... Electronic music goes on and the anticipation of this wild destination is so palpable... I feel like I could reach my hand out into the dark, cool desert air and grab ahold of the feelings of "oh my god.. We are so freaking close! I can taaaaaste it."

....And it tastes like playa dust

Entry 8

I can see the gate.
My eyes are playing tricks on me and I think I'm seeing ferris wheels and roller coasters but maybe that's what's in store for me?
holy man...

Entry 9

Its 4am... Still in line... So close and yet so far... There is a guy/girl in camoflage and a bright electric light-up hulahoop... Hoop dancing on the roof of the RV in front of us.

The dust is already making me cough.. Dry tickle in my throat, nose and lips,.. They weren't kidding. This is like reeeeal desert out here.... With the occasional ice cream truck and electric light up hoop dancer on a roof of an RV... So normal.


Entry 10
We got in at sunrise.
Its so phenomenal and beautiful.
This dust...
Oh my god.. This dust

I practiced yoga this morning and let the white powder coat my body... There is a deep spirituality in this dust

I was just in the middle of the playa where "the man" soars high in the air surrounded by miles of nothingness spattered and sprinkled with art installations that your wildest dreams might not be able to conger.

As a dust storm grew near...( A wall of white that consumes everything in its path and then moves on out towards the mountains in the same wall formation as before....) Huge, fat raindrops started to fall

There I was in front of this divine creation towering over the playa, swirling, dancing white alkaline dust flying towards me and the heavens opening up all at once...

I lay down right in the dust and looked up through my goggles to the sky and welled up with tears...

An african drum circle was playing next to me and the occasional "mutant art car" drove by playing loud music with laughter and voices behind that...

And through my goggles this beautiful phenomenon.. This white spirit soars and swirled and rushed before my eyes. I was so so moved.

It is so wild that this place exists...

I almost can't really explain it other then a world of whiteness dotted with colors that are not even on the spectrum

I am now at the heebeegeebee healing camp about to get an ayurvedic consultation with one of their healers.

What an experience


Entry 11

I have been here so many time before...
Molly suggested we go on a mutant car tomorrow night and I said "I've always wanted to do that and never gotten around to it.." Hello!!! I've been here less then 24 hrs...

But just like when they greet you at the gate and say "welcome home"... I've been here and I belong here

The art lying underneath a thousand colorful neon bulbs in strands lighting at different times ... Unreal tonight

Up to teach yoga at 7am at the shift camp tomorrow

I miss my jamie. But I hope he doesn't come.. Its a hard journey to make and we need to make it together.

Entry 12

6am wakeup call to go teach yoga... The playa is freezing and light is just pouring in... And there are still about twenty different bass lines wafting through the air in earshot of our RV.

People are definitely still up running around this grown-up playground!


Entry 13

Opened my eyes this morning at 6am the sun was just rising over the playa... Spirit healers walking in silence and partygoers still riding on mutant vehicles playing dub step music...

These dust storms are the shamic spirit of the playa reminding us that they are here whether snails shooting flames are here or not.

Beautiful.

I went for coffee at center camp and listened to acoustic music as the sun came up cascading its glory over the art which abounds throughout this cosmic wonderland...

This is a mad carnival playground for grownups

I practiced yoga way out.. About a mile into the playa... Surrounded by this glorious cracked dried playa dust... It was phenomenal.

There was an installation nearby with metal trees surrounding a little house with pillows and instructions to write a "future memory" on leaves and then pin them on the metal trees.
I meditated and has a strong vision, a future memory of childbirth.. Painful but cathartic and beautiful...


Entry 14

If you could see what I could see from the rooftop of this RV through dust covered lenses you'd be looking at a sea of twinkling, dancing, blinking, strobing, flickering, twirling neon light and flames... For miles.
It looks like we are on the moon dancing to summon the aliens...
Un-real

No joke... This white dust looks like moondust... And the blinking madness is of the aliens

Entry 15

In the playa, last night was a giant ring of flames that sporadically shot 50 foot flames into the air... Inside the ring were fire dancers
There were buses turned into caterpillars and snails that shot flames out of their backs.
We wandered through these art installations wide eyed, amazed by every single bizarre, unbelievable thing that I could never have even dreamed up in my wildest fantasies...
This place is bonkers.

Entry 16
Wednesday... I was able to get to the "satellite phone" someone has gifted burning man and was able to call jamie. We decided that he is not coming this year... I am worried about his ankle but relieved that I'm not going to be waiting for him to find me here.

We taught yoga this morning... A class in three parts... I taught the first third... Doing breathwork and warm up.. We ended up having 30 people which was amazing. I loved adjusting everyone because their hearts are so open and everyone is SO receptive to touch and adjustments...


When we got back, ross and jessica came over and we made plans for the night... We are going to go to the temple which is a GIANT wooden structure way out in the deep playa that burns on saturday... And everyone wears white and there are breakbeats playing all night.

Then I went over to the dreams tent and had one of the most powerful readings/ therapy sessions etc...
Three pyschics read me..
it wads profound... all about jamie and me and intuition...
Then i went to see the woman in the spirit cafe who was painting on people's bodies and she touches you and divinity tells her what to pain and where... And she painted a lilly flower on my right arm for jamie and I.... Its OUR flower... From weddings, anniversary, everything


Entry 17

I hand wrote a few incidents that stood out to me as totally bizarre on a scrap of paper in my pocket,
Mind you... These are minor incidents within a sea of similar obscurities and oddities...

A guy in a hooded gold unitard just rode by me on a jet ski

Dancing to alex's boyfriend marquis play a set at the art car wash... Which has pool noodles in a spiral to look like a carwash, and a scaffolding for people to dance on.... A herd of cows came towards us. 30 people in head-to-toe cow costumes with utters. (One wearing a pope hat)... And a black guy in a leopard suit with a glittering gold tophat on pogo sticks jumping with the herd... Came through the carwash.

Five minutes later a silver pirate ship driven by a naked fully turquoise man drove through and all the cows got on. Wild!

Entry 18

Today I got my hair washed in the hairwashing booth and named my washer "truth"
Then I went to center camp and saw a myriad of a bunch of performers and circus weirdos...
Then ross and jessica and I rode around... We went to the hookadome and had an incredible experience... Ambient sounds, a drummer, beautiful draped ceilings, hookahs and a man who sprayed us with lavender oil water...
Then I stood on the roof of my RV and watched skydivers drop into the playa as the full moon rose over the mountains...
Spectacular


Entry 19

We had an amazing magical mystery tour with my RV (alex, Dennis, leo, molly and chris and tosh)... Went down a three story high astroturf slide on a potato sack...

Went in a spaceship

We walked ALL over the playa... Night is so different when we walk.. Much more interactive but freezing cold and really really long walks..

I finished the night at 4 am in the jazz cafe listening to a group of 50/60 year old men playing amaaaaazing jazz music... It could have been in the palisades.. But I suppose the passed out christmas tree dressed girl in the corner and the naked man all in silver paint listening in the audience gave away that this was nooooot the palisades!!

I also saw christoph and his girlfriend again.. I walked up to her and did a polychanell...

We got two new people in our camp mikey and christian who are hysterical. Christian is sleeping on the roof.

So funny. I looooooove these people, my camp roooooocks.

Entry 20

Last night I watched the universe melt.

Entry 21
Its the night the man burns... Just spent hours on the roof of the RV re acclimating, surmising, recapping, and analyzing this illuminating experience.
There is only what is....

Entry 22

The man burning was so cathartic and moving.
We sat on the breathing playa earth in a group holding each other, recognizing the end of this experience with fear, sadness, acceptance and finally... Clarity.

I thought back to the moment I first felt the moving, dancing spirit of a playa dust storm move through the desert canvas while raindrops fell on my goggled eyes, guarding the tears that rolled down my cheeks.

I thought of the massive opening and light that shines here illuminating divine consciousness and truth.

David and I sat on the roof before we left for the burn, playa dust swirling around us. He, acting as a mirror or filter for me to come to my conclusions... To sum up and make a single coherent thought about my experiences, which at present were wild, disconnected, overwhelming feelings.

It was one of the clearest moments I've seen or felt in my entire life when Mikey, (my newest soul brother and journey partner)
Asked me to teach him yoga as the sun rose at dawn after roaming the desert all night arm in arm deep in conversation and contemplation.

In this moment, it was so clear to me that teaching yoga is the way that I am able to channel the divine spirit through and relay it into pedestrian life. Perfect communication with the spirit and creator.

I realized that we should not focus on what SHOULD be, but what IS.

That there are no "higher levels of consciousness"... Only consciousness.

The top of my head split open and the bright sunshine fire-light gowing like the crown beneath the man during the burn- began to shoot skyward like the bursts of flames we've seen all week on the playa.

My path... Although not straight and nothing like what I thought it was, lit up... And lead to that divine light source and beacon... Confirming what I've been following... My life work so clear in this single sunrise moment shared with someone who was a stranger only a few days ago.

My life work...

To love fiercely and deeply

To teach the little bit that I know and to unite... To yoke...

To live yoga in every waking hour beside my partner... The man who's soul my firey heart beats every beat for and with..

God, I hope he gets what the HELL I am talking about. Jamie has been in every thought and moment and literally every single beat of my heart since I have been here.

Entry 23

Sitting on the roof of the RV taking one last look, one last long inhale... Trying to absorb and lock in this place.

We just watched the temple burn. A totally different experience to the man burning... The man burning was loud and exciting and boisterous... A celebration with fireworks galore.
This temple burn was silent and somber.. Started with about 10-15 skydivers with flares on their feet and next thing you knew the temple was on fire. This beautifully constructed wooden piece of art garnished with dreams, wishes, intentions and memories began to collapse one petal at a time, like a flower dying and springing new birth.
The smoke coming off the flames was golden and iridescent in the moonlight.
As if by magic, a bird flew from what looked like out of the flames and up into the sky. We ALL saw this small golden bird and heard the chirp. Like a spirit released...
I turned to each of my friends who I've spent this journey with, humbly thanking them for being a part of my experience!

Entry 24

I fell asleep in the RV before we even pulled out of the spot where we've been parked and thus called home for seven long days... 4:45 and F... I woke up 6 hours later with an aching heart. I think I just knew I had to sleep it off and couldn't sit and watch the playa get smaller and smaller in the distance... I had to pull off the baindaid so to speak.

I woke up at a pit stop at mcdonalds in who-knows-where....

Where's all the art cars?

A pit in my stomach...

Where's the playa dust?

I feel incapacitated.. Like I've broken up with a loved one.

I feel like a butterfly that just lost my wings... Now I have to go back to walking around on my own feet, like the caterpillar I once was before I grew wings and learned to fly...

I am going back to a world that is entirely fine.. I'm a healthy, happy caterpillar, but I KNOW what it feels like to fly... I know that I have the capacity to spread my wings... But I also know that they only grow in a certain climate and I won't be able to return there and fly again for another year. In the meantime I will remain broken... Looking full and complete as a caterpillar to most... But those who know me on the playa know that this is just a younger, wingless version of me.

How do I go back to crawling and walking when I remember soaring and flying?

My heart literally aches for that place already...