comfort junkie

im learning how to be okay.
im discovering how lonely independence is...
and seeing how deceiving lonliness can be.

i am a comfort junkie...

the ache... the longing and lonliness tricks me into thinking that i want to be with him...
but really its just that junkie inside of me seeking out something that i know will soothe me.

so i need to learn to be okay.
i need to learn to comfort myself and be my own companion...
i need to be my own fix.

because he is not the right partner for me.
the way he chooses to live his life does not parallel well with mine,
but he does fill a void
and comforts me

and then i choke and i start to sprial into fear and that voice starts screaming that i made the wrong choice...
but that is the voice of the junkie...
that is the woman on the other side of the wall with her muffled screams
that is my shadow...

the dark, letcherous, grasping, gripping side that wants to suck in and be satiated.
be appeased...
a hand to stroke my hair
a voice to re-tell the words that i already said
that i already know.

and so i must exhale out..
i must hold myself and surround my soul in light

and remember that i made a choice to expand...

i made a choice to walk alone and let the reigns fall to the earth.
no more sacrefices, no more burdens but my own.

and i am the tortoise... i can carry my own life on my back.

but sometimes i need to crawl inside and be alone and comfort myself from within the shell that surrounds me.

maybe some day i will find someone that counterparts me better then he did.
but i will never find anyone who can carry me better then i can.

to be free alone.
to be held by my own heart
to be home at last with me.