the quiet trampoline

there is a constant
a line in space that is the nothing
the moment between the inhale and the exhale
the breath between the ocean waves
...the quiet trampoline

from this place we bounce towards the sun and reach towards the stars shooting overhead.
we taste bliss and smell euphoria as we fly through the air above.
my heart strings tickle with the singing of my soul
and I'm deafened by my giddy laughter
from this great height, the sunshine light is blinding and warming to the point of a burn...

but newton called it
and the arc of joy finds its mirror arc below

the moon wanes
the ground sinks below our feet
and the proverbial crash begins

a hollowness fills my heart
and the emptiness reflects sadness
and ache, a longing for light
and the constant line seems to loom above our heads as we yearn for the low to pass

"do not the spirits who dwell in the ether envy man in his pain? he asked...

for the spirits who are the neutral line in space do not feel to the depths of our pain, but also miss the flying, soaring joy on the other side of this snaking line of emotion and experience.

and so we sit.
we breathe
and we wait for the dawn to come
the light to shine
and we know that to reach that high, we'll dip this low and in the end its worth the comedown to darkness to fly beside the sun.

where hearts meet at 5am

i know where you are now.

...and I will not be going there.

my heart aches that you'd ride this wave beside me...
but you can't find me through these choppy waters...
...and you won't find me...
until you find yourself.

i can pull your body close
and breathe my light to your heart...
but the black hole that is your shadow will absorb it
..and kill it
...drain it
...and drain me.

and so I wait.

...when the darkness of night begins to turn shades of purple,
sounding the alarm that dawn approaches...
my spirit will start to swell.

though it is still the dark of night within your soul i know.

and you gaze out my window and try to decide if your eyes are playing tricks on you or if the indigo really emerges in the sky above...

...as i wrap myself in blue, i invite the sun and moon to rest on the same satin pillow beside me.

and though they sleep here,
I am wide awake...
watching their hearts merge with one another
and then with mine

and I see...
that
I am
the sun...
Mirrored in the moon.
And I am
the moonlight...
Slowly fading with the creeping light of dawn

...these tender moments, wrapped in cashmere, with the gentle energy of a fawn.

I love myself to life in your light...

But I know where you are...
And i know there is no light.
It is dark and the dawn is a million hours away...
Or so it feels

wake-walking across my eyelids

.I dreamed I walked barefoot across the earth.
.And I finally ended on top of a mountain surrounded by ruins and faces I knew.
.When I opened my eyes I no longer recognized my bedroom.
.And felt a canopy of white lilies hanging above me in the shadows cast on the walls by the moonlight.
.I saw an archway beside me.
.With vines delicately and minimalistically growing up and over.
.I saw a water glass full of rocks.
.Some smooth some rugged, jagged and rough.

.The night before, my friends and i sat on a lifeguard tower at 5am and watched the waves roll under the night sky next to the ferris wheel.
.They built a fort in my living room.

.And its true that my hands remember you.
.My forehead misses your lips.

.Then I crash back into such a deep dreamless sleep- like diving off the side of a ship into the sea of slumber.

.And finally I swim towards the underwater dream world but im consciously unconscious here.
.I move through the jewel encrusted door to a misty garden where the deer come to me.
.They nuzzle their noses in my hand.
.They let me know I am loved.
.And they show me the shield of protection I will have as I walk barefoot across the earth.

.They show me that I am held and awaken me to the earthly love I am unknowingly always bathing in.

.As cherry blossoms hang above my head, I search to soak my soul in meaning.
.And suddenly your sunlight spirit is splatter painted across my heart.
.And I breathe a little deeper then I did before.

the bounce

i've become bored of this bouncy ball.
the erratic,
unpredictable,
'jump OUT of the sunlight and IN to the shadows beneath my bed' kind of movement.

the moon drew a picture
of my bouncy ball plight
and used a river to illustrate it to me...

i casually cruise down this
running
stream
in my
wooden
canoe.

the sun strokes my skin...
the breeze licks my face...
i whistle a tune as i reach down and let my fingertips kiss the smooth water.

... and the moment I recognize that all is at ease, the river gets
confrontational
and begins to transform into a rapid...

terrified, I hold on to my little canoe...
and ride out the current, which has become violent and vengeful...

i am not prepared for this,
but I have no choice but to hold on and ride it out...
bouncing up and down with the chaotic current,
until the river curves again
and
once
again
i
am
floating.

and the bouncy ball rests in stillness on my bedroom's dusty hardwood floor.

once again decieved by a garden...

i came to this garden for healing...
and have left
whipped by the wind...
and burned by the sun...
more crippled then when i came.

who knew a divine light could blind you?

"i did not think you had the capacity to hurt me." i wept to the sun.
but too long in the light, and my skin was seared.

just days ago,
i closed my eyes,
and basked in the summer breeze
... forgetting how easily the winds can change.

and now i sit,
lifeless and collapsed...
burned and chapped...

and you ran away.

you turn your face,
as not to see,
the key you hold,
to the other half
of my freedom...
my salvation...

it stays clutched in your closed left fist.


without your half...
without your hands to lift your end of this weight that crushes me
i am pinned...
trapped...
and slowly dying...
becoming paralyzed...
again.

getting lost in my mind...
...and drowning in my own tears.

but as kahlil gibran told us "there must be something sacred in salt. its in the ocean and its in our tears."

so now you see why i beckon you towards the sea.

i need you to come to the place where my tears fall and the waves crash... so we can fall in step with the tempo of the crashing waves and allow our tears to fall in time.
and then in sync with one another
we will lift
the weight of this sadness
and rise above
to where the air is clear

where the wind is a gentle breeze... that does not whip my skin
and the fire is a still candle flame... that does not burn your skin

and THEN we will be free and my breath will not stutter on the way in.

hollywood headache

been coming here for a decade.

my numbness and dry deadpan sarcasm is just a reaction to the interlaced hands squeezing around my brain...

the billboard by queens road changes... the interchangeable staggering tranny shrieks some crack-babble just as he/she/he always does...

as I walk down the strip past clone after clone...and for a moment have deju vu because I'm SURE I've seen that platinum blonde with fake boobs suffocating in a black mini dress and stilettos before...
my mind wanders off to contemplate how many combinations of words you can make that are "lyrically genius"...

it's all bit mind-numbing to me right now.

the mentally challenged waiter is still fucking up orders at the sushi place across from the venue that keeps changing its "look" but inviting the same horrendous bands that attract the sleeziest crowds and then wonder why paris doesn't come by too often....

iHAVE to get out of heeeeeeeere.

i want to escape to a place where the clear air wafts through palm trees, and doesn't get stuck between frawns due to the 6 inch layer of smog coating the "tree"...

i want to walk down a beach and let the white sand snuggle between my toes, without the fear of a syringe or used condom hiding out waiting to infect me...

i want to walk the earth barefoot and be a love beacon, shining light as I watch the world in wonder...

collective clarity and mowgli's magic

wolf bites and battle wounds
and daisies falling from the sky.
eyes with that love-crazed, creativity-infused glare
a look that scares me and inspires me all at once.

tye-dye bedspreads and bass drums...
cigarettes breaks and philosophy banter...
hidden bottles of cactus and stolen kisses
behind painters and poets...
tibetan bowls and tambourines...

...and the love of the bay city's name.

unconditional love between strangers blooms
and unity sweeps over us
enveloping the building in it's embrace.
and just for a moment we forget what we think we know
and see with such clarity
how we are all ONE.

foggy visions of freedom

i love when the horizon gets swallowed by grey...
and you can't tell where the foggy sky ends
and the invisible ocean begins.

the gull cry reminds me that my spirit is free.

we make a choice to stay tethered to that which doesn't serve us...
we make a choice to be stagnant.

but even when the sea seems to lack form...
and from the shore we can't see the beginning or the end...
the waves still crash.
the jellyfish still crawl through the currents.
and all is moving.
cycling.
transforming.
beneath the surface... within her body.

imperfection.

amongst broken seashells...
and splintered firewood...
i pull the threads of a threadbare sweater.

as a wilted rose petal
slowly falls
to the dusty floor...

the shriek of impatience
leaves a ringing in my ears
that drowns out
the whispering voice of reason
that is aching and struggling to be heard...


why do i yearn for the time-lapse version of my life?

why is slowing down and waiting akin to agony?

i am not a perfect, slow burning candle flame...
but rather a blazing wildfire storm
kicking ash and dust into the air
as i race through forests...
consuming everything in my path.

i am not a lazerbeam.
i'm a floodflight.